i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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