I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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