So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
