i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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