at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize