so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
