I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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