your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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