her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
