my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
