i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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