is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize