yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize