Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize