just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
