someone threw a dead crab at me
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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