me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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