Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
