i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
