Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
