you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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