how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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