So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
