I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
