I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Randomize
