I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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