We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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