I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
