My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
