if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
