Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
