I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
