my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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