Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
