Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
