I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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