so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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