apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She bit a glass in half.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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