You're so nebulous sometimes
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
