i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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