I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
