Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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