I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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