Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize