I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
