I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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