Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
