You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
