so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
