i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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