apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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