The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
