there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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