At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
