I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
