I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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