Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
